Kinda for MM
No, it's not smut. I know you all think MM=smut, but I am a much deeper person than that and I know that MM has other things on her mind than smut. For example, um, well, there is just too many examples to list.
On MM's blog I posted something about the people in her life wanting to keep her dependent as they liked her that way. On reread, it came out harsher than I meant and not complete at all.
Instead of explaining, I will tell a story. I had a friend in grad school. She was really nice, great person and a lot of fun to be around. She was likely Mr Bob's best friend from his lab (though, being a guy I don't think he's got in touch with her at all for a year. Bad Mr Bob) She was significantly overweight, despite being quite athletic and decided to join weight watchers. She started to lose weight, a lot of weight. I was happy everything was going so well for her. It was great. For her birthday I made her a cake (angel food cake with fruit and low fat yogurt orange dressing). When her and BF came for dinner I spent quite a while making low fat snacks and dinner and desert (with lots of zero point veggies). I really, really thought I was a supportive friend and I thought she looked great. I was slightly pissed she could now kick my sorry little behind at squash, but otherwise all was good in Bob land.
Then one day, just before we left, Mr Bob and I were over at her house for a visit (k, we stayed a week) and I was reading her WW magazine and there was some article on dealing with people who don't want you to lose weight and act in unhelpful fashions. I read it and started to remember things I'd said.
Example One: Birthday Cake.
Bob: Would you like another piece?
Friend: No thank-you. It was great though.
Bob: Are you sure? there's plenty.
Friend: Nope, thanks so much. (leaves room)
Example Two: Random Conversation
Friend: I've lost 50 pounds.
Bob: That's great. Good for you. Are you done?
Friend: Nope, I want to lose another 40 for my goal weight. (this would put her at skinny, but non unhealthy)
Bob: Wow, why so much? You look great now!
Friend: I've never been skinny in my life. I want to see what it's like.
Example Three: Pub
Bob: More beer?
Friend: Nope, that's it for me.
Bob: You sure?
Friend: No thanks, I gotta get home soon.
Varients of the above examples were presented in the magazine. I kinda went into denial, cause I knew I wanted her to be happy and lose weight. However, after a while, I was more honest with myself and realised I wasn't completely comfortable with it. I really liked her and I missed hanging out at the pub with her (example three was repeated about a gadzillion by different people. She was missed by everyone when we went out). I like people who appreciate my cooking by eating it. She was becoming a different person and it disturbed me. I had an image of her and I liked her and then she started to change. It bothered me when she started to change from a great person to be around to a great person to be around, who was also quite sexy. (Disclaimer: this had a lot to do with her feelings about herself and the clothes she started to wear, rather than her actual weight).
I think of my comments magnified over everyone else "Stay the same. Don't change. We like you, just the way you are" and the inertia that imparts on people who are trying to change. IT made me think about how we see people the way we want to see them and not always the way they are or the way they wish to be.
Bob out.
posted by Aislinn Sirk @ 6:26 PM
9 Comments:
I appreciate this post. I am observing totally different that it was meant to be, but appreciate it. I have a very over weight friend who is been trying to lose weight and I never know if I'm being supportative or mean so this helped open my eyes. Thanks for sharing.
*hugs*
That's frickin' deep, dood.
*smooch*
Next Friday I'll go back to shallow beauty tips. But when you look in the miorror and think "Ah! Who is that freaky homeless person!?" maybe it's not the best day for makeup tips.
Is this your way of telling me I need to lose weight? ;-)
First of all, your comment on my blog was fine, I've never read anything from you and thought it was harsh. But I do get what your saying here, I think. In your case, it was about a friend losing weight, in mine, it's about becoming more independant.
I appreciate what you've said here, it has made me think about my family and the way they must feel also.
*smooches* to Bob!
I still think you should be known as Bobdewisechemist. Like Breezy said, that was fricken' deep.
Since my friends split I've been examining my relationship with her and wondering why I put up with some of her crap for so long when our other friends had walked away over a year ago. The only two reasons I can think of are 1) she was married to one of my best friends and 2) she weighed about the same as me which was comforting when we travelled to the warm sunny beach spots. I think I'm kidding about #2 but maybe I'm really not.
Way to go Bob, you went and made my head explode from thinking on a Friday!
That's interesting.. I read those conversations and I see very polite, non-pushy offers, and would have been at a loss to say anything different.
And Bob? You know I'll stay fat. :D
Very insightful. Thank you. I needed to hear this.
I had a long conversation about very much the same topic last weekend. I think it is very much a two-way street. It is sort of important to think about how your friends want to be seen (turns out that both my friend and I want to be seen for very different things than we are usually noted for). At the same time, it took me a while to realize that I can't really control what people note about me...if they make a polite comment or compliment, I have to just take it at face value and not think "man, I wish they were complimenting me on X." If someone is being polite, it is good to just take it as polite. :)
Bob=smaht.
What stuck with me was the comment about seeing people as you want to see them.
It's funny how we see people how we want to and then something can happen that makes you see them in a whole different light. It can be very disappointing sometimes.
*runs off to ponder some things*
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